Is there really life after children?

Diagnosis Mom

Last week, the following comment was posted on my blog: “I’m here to tell all you young ‘uns that there is a life after children….you just have to have patience, intestinal fortitude and a big ole bottle of VODKA…the wine is just the “chaser”.”

This got me thinking… Is there really life after children?  Could this person be right?  Or are they just taking some seriously good drugs?

You see, this advice only seems to come from mothers whose children have long since left the nest. Coincidence or conspiracy? When you’re deep in the throes of mommyhood, it seems there’s no escaping it… like, EVER! Actually the lyric ‘no one gets out alive’ comes to mind.

Ok. So maybe there is life after children. But Holy Hannah with Honey on Top…. do you ever have to endure a long-ass 18 years to get there!

While I have a long way to go, I have decided to start mapping out my life-after-babies bucket list:

I will retire to a spa… Firstly, so I can resume my love affair with my dear Shower. Secondly, and more importantly, because they have strict “No children” policies.

I will buy super fancy locks and a kick-ass alarm system… Once the kids are out, they are just that OUT! F*ck this Boomerang thing! The locks will be changed.  There will be no drive-by’s. Visits with Mom and Dad will be by appointment only!

No more Minivans! Sing it… NO MORE MINIVANS!!!  I am getting myself a 2-door sports car. No backseat. No trunk space. I will play MY music. There will be no crumbs stuck to the roof, no dirty diapers mysteriously stashed in the glove compartment. There will be one set of keys which I will wear in a child-proof locket around my neck! They can take transit!

I will travel… lightly! No more looking like a snail on steroids at the airport. I will go to kids-free resorts and I will drink pina coladas until I spontaneously combust!

I will eat out, like, in an actual public restaurants. Can you imagine? And Big J and I will determine when it’s time to leave. And if we happen to be asked to leave, it’ll only be because we’ve enjoyed one too many G n’ Ts… and not, I repeat not, because our child threw a plate of spaghetti on a woman’s head thinking her roots needed a touch up.

I will sleep in, everyday, all day! ‘Nuff said! And if I choose to have an all-nighter, it’ll be for very different reasons…

So there you have it… My life-after-babies bucket list.

So, IS there life after children? Sure. A different kind of life; one with less dependency and chaos, no doubt. But for now, I am all too happy to enjoy this life and all its glory, chaos and insanity. The sports car can wait…

I look over at my children and I want to scream at the top of my lungs: STOP THE CLOCK!!! STOP THE CLOCK!!! It’s going by too fast.

And while a big bottle of vodka was deemed a neccesity for the formative parenting years… a glass (or three) of wine will have to suffice for now! After all, it was vodka that got me into this whole predicament in the first place!

Cheers!

Red Whino

PS. What’s on your life-after-babies bucket list?

PPS. Or, if you have already made it to the home stretch, chime in… is there really life after children?!?

7 thoughts on “Is there really life after children?

  1. Love this ! My bucket list after children is to travel again go yo exercise classes have hobbies go to nice restaurants. But the same as you for now I am going yo cherish this time with my bambino. Loved your post super funny x

  2. Thanks for filling my eyes to the brim with tears. In this amazing struggle of parenthood we are forever changed, never to see the world the same, or to be as selfish or careless as we once where. We are blessed with this fleeting moment to reach out beyond ourselves and truly love as we have never done before. We are given a chance to explore the depth of our hearts for patience and kindness when we think we have none left. We are pushed to sacrifice as we never knew possible, to dream beyond our dreams and see ourselves reflected good or bad so boldly before us in our children. It is a challenge indeed and i agree it will take an eternity of wine to sooth over my nerves at the end of the day, sometimes I am even tempted in the morning. God Bless us all……..

  3. Ok, here is my bucket list…but I do not know if there is LAC or if I could think of my life without children so here is my bucket list LWOC (life with older children)

    – travel more (top 2 : Russia — St. Petersburg / Moscow; Scandinavian country)
    – have a sports car
    – golf with Peter more
    – retire early to help with childcare for my children
    – learn how to do something new that is time consuming (i.e knitting)
    – go to the gym 5 days a week or more again
    – read more novels more often
    – get waxing, haircuts, etc. on a regular schedule vs. annually or semi-annually 🙂
    – go on family vacations with my children and their families (i.e. Mt. Tremblant or Lake Louise ideally)
    – volunteer and encourage my grandchildren to join me
    – return to Boracay with Peter

  4. Hilarious! and does this mean I’m finally “published”??! On the other less comical..tad more serious side…yes! while the crazy memories of “why is this wee one of mine the ONLY priority of my days?” have faded…coincidence, not conspiracy…he is LONNNNNNNNG gone from the nest..but I do have to tell you…we did not take him everywhere! I worked my a off (and this is back in the EARLY 70’S) to afford a live-in (au pair as we called them…imported from England and Scotland back in the day). I broke even, couldn’t save a nickel of what I worked for, with the expense of having this “luxury” but I had someone in her late teens live with us and who acted like a very big sis for our son and a young sister for me) PS: there was no such thing as “day care” then. This gave us the “consistency” and companionship I was looking for, for our son and we did not take him to restaurants on “date nite” as you young ‘uns call it…and the once a year we had a vacation…we did not take him with us. In essence, I worked for my freedom and sanity, both of which, can get compromised when you give up your “showers” et al. Yes, sports car can wait, for sure (tho’ I got the ULTIMATE one as a gift from my man on our 7th wedding anniversary!) but I say “balance” is the order of the day …always. I took time for myself, and trust me when I tell you it is CRITICAL that you all do. Kids will even give you hell for that…but that’s OK. It’s worth it for you BOTH/ALL! They need to understand that you are a person/individual AND a parent AND a wife…but at the end of the day, if you don’t treat yourself to you….who will? BTW…you can’t stop the clock, you WILL let the boomerang back in (for a while), you will NOT retire to a spa…they don’t even want to be seen with you by the tweens! and you WILL re-order your Vodka/Gin when the “change of life” releases you from any/all danger of “getting into another predicament”!! :>)

  5. There is LAC! ..lol ..my kids are almost 11 and 13 and all they want from me is money, food, clean clothes and a snuggle every now and then 😛 They grow so fast and I promise there is LAC!! Enjoying the blogs K 🙂

  6. Yes there is life after children…….it’s called GRANDCHILDREN…I want the bumper sticker “if I’d known that grandchildren were so much fun….I’d of had them FIRST!!”

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