Last week, the following comment was posted on my blog: “I’m here to tell all you young ‘uns that there is a life after children….you just have to have patience, intestinal fortitude and a big ole bottle of VODKA…the wine is just the “chaser”.”
This got me thinking… Is there really life after children? Could this person be right? Or are they just taking some seriously good drugs?
You see, this advice only seems to come from mothers whose children have long since left the nest. Coincidence or conspiracy? When you’re deep in the throes of mommyhood, it seems there’s no escaping it… like, EVER! Actually the lyric ‘no one gets out alive’ comes to mind.
Ok. So maybe there is life after children. But Holy Hannah with Honey on Top…. do you ever have to endure a long-ass 18 years to get there!
While I have a long way to go, I have decided to start mapping out my life-after-babies bucket list:
I will retire to a spa… Firstly, so I can resume my love affair with my dear Shower. Secondly, and more importantly, because they have strict “No children” policies.
I will buy super fancy locks and a kick-ass alarm system… Once the kids are out, they are just that OUT! F*ck this Boomerang thing! The locks will be changed. There will be no drive-by’s. Visits with Mom and Dad will be by appointment only!
No more Minivans! Sing it… NO MORE MINIVANS!!! I am getting myself a 2-door sports car. No backseat. No trunk space. I will play MY music. There will be no crumbs stuck to the roof, no dirty diapers mysteriously stashed in the glove compartment. There will be one set of keys which I will wear in a child-proof locket around my neck! They can take transit!
I will travel… lightly! No more looking like a snail on steroids at the airport. I will go to kids-free resorts and I will drink pina coladas until I spontaneously combust!
I will eat out, like, in an actual public restaurants. Can you imagine? And Big J and I will determine when it’s time to leave. And if we happen to be asked to leave, it’ll only be because we’ve enjoyed one too many G n’ Ts… and not, I repeat not, because our child threw a plate of spaghetti on a woman’s head thinking her roots needed a touch up.
I will sleep in, everyday, all day! ‘Nuff said! And if I choose to have an all-nighter, it’ll be for very different reasons…
So there you have it… My life-after-babies bucket list.
So, IS there life after children? Sure. A different kind of life; one with less dependency and chaos, no doubt. But for now, I am all too happy to enjoy this life and all its glory, chaos and insanity. The sports car can wait…
I look over at my children and I want to scream at the top of my lungs: STOP THE CLOCK!!! STOP THE CLOCK!!! It’s going by too fast.
And while a big bottle of vodka was deemed a neccesity for the formative parenting years… a glass (or three) of wine will have to suffice for now! After all, it was vodka that got me into this whole predicament in the first place!
PS. What’s on your life-after-babies bucket list?
PPS. Or, if you have already made it to the home stretch, chime in… is there really life after children?!?