I’m going to Florida! That’s right, to hot and sunny Florida! Don’t worry, this post isn’t to rub it in your pasty white faces! Oh, no! There is a much more serious matter that we must discuss: My safety.

I am a by-product of the 80s… which inadvertantly makes me a victim of Generation Jaws! And I suffer… I suffer something bad! I not only fear sharks in the ocean. I fear sharks everywhere… as in lakes, pools, bathtubs, under my bed! (Don’t laugh… I know someone who is afraid of straws!)

Don’t try to tell me this picture has been Photoshopped! Please, I’m not THAT naive! I know real when I see it…

I obsess over sharks. I believe Shark Week should be a national holiday… for the safety of the good citizens of our nation, of course. I research shark attacks when choosing a vacation destication. Hell, I even research shark attacks when we’re on “stay”cation… in Toronto! One can never be too careful!

I watch Jaws before every vacation to remind myself of the imminent danger I could be facing. I never let my guard down. I am protected at all times. You never know when he is lurking around the corner.

So, as I mentioned, I’m heading to Florida. Which is concerning for obvious reasons.

I have it on good authority that there have been several shark sightings in Florida this year. I have no evidence to back this up… In fact, I’m not entirely sure where I heard this… or IF I even heard this… or just MADE IT UP.  But still, I know it to be true!

So, like the good daughter I am, I’m taking my Mama’s advice! She always told me to use protection… (You were referring to sharks, right Mama?)

Here is how I plan on protecting myself and returning with all my limbs intact:

– I will avoid the ocean like the plague. That shark is waiting for me! Well maybe not exactly like the plague… I will go in up to my ankles… cause I’m crazy adventurous like that!

– My sister-in-law LGW told me that sharks prefer red heads. I am now a blonde…

– I have a snorkeling mask that has a rear-view mirror on the each side should I be approached from behind. One can never be too careful – even in pools!

– I will have a bear whistle around my neck at all times should I see a shadow lurking…

– I have increased my life insurance so my Little Orange Crush can live in the lap of luxury knowing it’s all because his mom died in the jaws of Jaws.

– They say to punch a shark directly in the nose should you come under attack. So I will wear stilettos in the pool and should I see anything come towards me, I’ll Single-White-Female that bastard in the eyes.

– I will wear a fat suit over my own built-in fat suit. Make him work for his lunch!

But my main source of protection is this: while my family stupidly frolics in the crystal clear, warm, beautiful Florida waters… I will be safely sitting at the bar drowning myself in pina coladas… I call it the Hammered Head Shark Defence!

Wish me luck!

I’m thinking I need to get this outfit for my Little Orange Crush… Because what if a shark fornicates with a crocodile? We’d have a “sharkodile” on our hands who could snatch my little one right off the beach. No, I must lead them to believe he’s “one of them”… Safety first, people. SAFETY FIRST!!!

And lastly, I NEED to get me one of these! As IF I’d EVER sit on it… But I could use it when doing my squats (let’s pretend I do squats, ok?)… and with each reps, I’ll say: “Kiss my ass Jaws!  Kiss my BIG GREAT WHITE ASS!!!”

Cheers, Red Whino