My Mama always told me to use protection…

I’m going to Florida! That’s right, to hot and sunny Florida! Don’t worry, this post isn’t to rub it in your pasty white faces! Oh, no! There is a much more serious matter that we must discuss: My safety.

I am a by-product of the 80s… which inadvertantly makes me a victim of Generation Jaws! And I suffer… I suffer something bad! I not only fear sharks in the ocean. I fear sharks everywhere… as in lakes, pools, bathtubs, under my bed! (Don’t laugh… I know someone who is afraid of straws!)

Don't try to tell me this picture has been Photoshopped! Please, I'm not THAT naive! I know real when I see it...

Don’t try to tell me this picture has been Photoshopped! Please, I’m not THAT naive! I know real when I see it…

I obsess over sharks. I believe Shark Week should be a national holiday… for the safety of the good citizens of our nation, of course. I research shark attacks when choosing a vacation destication. Hell, I even research shark attacks when we’re on “stay”cation… in Toronto! One can never be too careful!

I watch Jaws before every vacation to remind myself of the imminent danger I could be facing. I never let my guard down. I am protected at all times. You never know when he is lurking around the corner.

So, as I mentioned, I’m heading to Florida. Which is concerning for obvious reasons.

I have it on good authority that there have been several shark sightings in Florida this year. I have no evidence to back this up… In fact, I’m not entirely sure where I heard this… or IF I even heard this… or just MADE IT UP.  But still, I know it to be true!

So, like the good daughter I am, I’m taking my Mama’s advice! She always told me to use protection… (You were referring to sharks, right Mama?)

Here is how I plan on protecting myself and returning with all my limbs intact:

– I will avoid the ocean like the plague. That shark is waiting for me! Well maybe not exactly like the plague… I will go in up to my ankles… cause I’m crazy adventurous like that!

– My sister-in-law LGW told me that sharks prefer red heads. I am now a blonde…

– I have a snorkeling mask that has a rear-view mirror on the each side should I be approached from behind. One can never be too careful – even in pools!

– I will have a bear whistle around my neck at all times should I see a shadow lurking…

– I have increased my life insurance so my Little Orange Crush can live in the lap of luxury knowing it’s all because his mom died in the jaws of Jaws.

– They say to punch a shark directly in the nose should you come under attack. So I will wear stilettos in the pool and should I see anything come towards me, I’ll Single-White-Female that bastard in the eyes.

– I will wear a fat suit over my own built-in fat suit. Make him work for his lunch!

But my main source of protection is this: while my family stupidly frolics in the crystal clear, warm, beautiful Florida waters… I will be safely sitting at the bar drowning myself in pina coladas… I call it the Hammered Head Shark Defence!

Wish me luck!

baby shark

I’m thinking I need to get this outfit for my Little Orange Crush… Because what if a shark fornicates with a crocodile? We’d have a “sharkodile” on our hands who could snatch my little one right off the beach. No, I must lead them to believe he’s “one of them”… Safety first, people. SAFETY FIRST!!!

shark chair

And lastly, I NEED to get me one of these! As IF I’d EVER sit on it… But I could use it when doing my squats (let’s pretend I do squats, ok?)… and with each reps, I’ll say: “Kiss my ass Jaws!  Kiss my BIG GREAT WHITE ASS!!!”

Cheers, Red Whino

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