Today, I’m in a generous mood. So much so that I’m going to let you in on a little Red Whino story… one from the vault of shame. I’ll probably regret sharing this one, but what the hell, here goes nothing…
Some of you have already had the pleasure (or misfortune depending on who you talk to) of hearing this story. Those of you who are hearing it for the first time, well, be warned! It could happen to you! In fact, I bet it already has…
So yesterday, I was lucky enough to waste three precious hours of my sacred life in bumper-to-bumper traffic. The upside was my little guy was sleeping peacefully in the back… it was a beautiful day out, so I was able to lower the windows and enjoy a nice, smoggy, nitrogen oxide induced breeze… Tunes were blazin’. Really, it wasn’t all that bad. That is, until…
Rumble, rumble! An enchilada-induced bubble made its way across my lower abdomen. I straighten my spine… OMG! OMG! OMG! You’ve got to be kidding me!
No! No! No! Please do not let this happen to me… again! Think of something else! Anything else!
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer!!!… Didn’t help!
Kegel ass exercise… Didn’t help!
Shove random pieces of gum in my mouth (not sure why, but seemed like the logical thing to do)… Didn’t help!
I tried to envision a beaver. Yes, a beaver! A beaver building a dam. That’s right! I will build a mental dam and block the flow of Mr. Poo… Didn’t help!
Maybe it’s just a fart? I was too scared to find out.
No, this was the real deal… Coming at me like a freight train! Keep in mind Im stuck in traffic on a higway… theres no was to make a quick turn or exit. My head was spinning around like the Exorcist, scouting out the neighbouring cars. Do they know what’s happening? Are they aware there is a 35 year old mother in the minivan next to them who is about to shit her pants?
Well, this time I was spared. Mr Poo retracted his head like a turtle in distress. I was able to effectively do my kegel ass clenches just in time to pull into a gas station at Mock 10.
As I said “this time” I was spared… There was another time, not so long ago, that I ended up having to frantically resort to a Glad Tupperware container. Yes, that’s right, I am a grown woman and I shat… in Tupperware… in my car! Sigh…
A humbling experience to say the least! One that has cost me hours of therapy!
Anyways, this time I was spared! Why? I don’t know, nor do I care! All I know is it didn’t happen a second time.
You’re probably wondering why I feel the need to share this with you? Well, here’s the thing… My nephew is in the process of being potty trained. I watch carefully as his parents painstakingly put him through the dreaded potty bootcamp.
Knowing it’s only a matter of time before I too enter this realm of hell with my Little Orange Crush, I can’t help but wonder… who am I to tell my son to use the toilet? Seriously, the Mom who succumbed to dropping a grenade into her Glad Tupperware?!?
Picture it, as I try to strategically persuade my Little Orange Crush to use the potty while hypnotically dangling candy in front of him as his reward, he’ll just turn and say “Mama, you so full of shit, yo”! And, really, who am I to argue? I mean, there is something to be said about wearing diapers! God only knows I wish I had been sporting them that day… Plus, you only end up back in them later in life anyway, right? So why bother ever potty training them?
With the exception of a lobotomy, the only way to get through life after an incident like that is to look at it from the bright side. What I do know is this… My incident will make me a better, more understanding mother. Cause when the time comes that my Little Orange Crush has an “accident” in his tighty-whities, or Tupperware for that matter, I will understand better than anyone that, oh yes indeed, shit does happen!