NEWS FLASH: This Sunday is Mother’s Day.
(Tag every husband, son, and male on the planet as a subtle reminder. You’re welcome, Honey!)
The truth is, I don’t care for fancy lavish gifts. My Big J knows that! Still, I thought I’d make it easy on him with my own Mother’s Day Gift Registry… Just a few iDeas:
iNap App: I love when people tell me to nap when my babies nap. Firstly, by the time my babies go down for a nap… assuming they go down for a nap… I’m so jacked up on coffee having been awake since 4:30am playing Peek-a-friggin’-boo, that my eyeballs are ready to pop-a-friggin’-roo out of their sockets. Sleep ain’t happening! The iNap App would instantly put me into a deep coma whenever and wherever, regardless of copious amounts of coffee consumed!
uNap App: No more of this picking and choosing when you Beasts want to nap. No sir! Mama is da’ boss now! The uNap App would be installed like a dogs’ microchip. I simply press “Nap” et Voila… Zzzzz! They are down for the count. Cocktails at naptime anyone?!?
Uppa Baby App: Forget the stroller. This app works in conjunction with the uNap App. I determine when baby naps, and when it’s time for them to get uppa baby! None of these shit 20-minute teaser naps… You on Mama’s clock now, kiddo!
iBrow App: The other day I was out (like in actual public “out”, not on my front lawn “out”) and I couldn’t figure out why people were staring at me like I was a freak of nature. I just assumed it was because I haven’t showered or changed my clothing since my kids’ were born. That is until I got home and looked in the mirror only to realize I’d only painted on one of my eyebrows that morning. ‘A’ for effort… ‘F’ for execution! The iBrow App would instantly paint on both eyebrows by 8am each morning. Seriously, I look like an albino ferret without them!
iZap App: This is a ‘must have’ for all of us mothers when we’re out at the park with our kids. Truth? I hate going to the park. There’s boring, and there’s park boring. But as much as I hate the park, I hate leaving it even more… because my children refuse to leave. It’s like negotiating with terrorists… The iZap App instantly zaps them into a trance-like state. They obediently follow me like little zombies away from the park… far, far away.
iV App: This, THIS app allows for a glorious, continuous flow of whatever liquid poison you need to fuel your tired ass up. For me, a heavenly, warm coffee will run through my tired veins all friggin’ day. And with the click of a button, the IV will change to a rich, desperately needed wine that takes like a big sip of life before children.
Oh, and one last item on my Mother’s Day Gift Registry…
iDo App: I know it’s Mother’s Day, so it’s all about me, me, me… But the reality is, I am eternally grateful to my Big J for knocking me up, three times! So for the days that I fail to tell Big J how much I love him, the iDo App would send him daily reminders that I do... I really really do!
So no “diamonds are a girl’s best friend” for this Mama. Dads, you need not overthink it. ‘Cause it’s really quite simple. It’s inexpensive. And it’s doable. Simply and truly appreciate her. Give her time off. Let her kick up her feet. Let her read a book. Watch a show. Let her go pee… ALONE!
Trust me, all of the above, paired with a nice bottle of red wine, just might guarantee Dad a Happy Mother’s Day for himself too.
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