I’m not one of those women that truly have a personal hang-up or unwillingness to accept the fact that they’re getting decrepitly old. What I do worry about is that I’m at the age where it’s a slippery slope into coming across as the dreaded ‘Cougar’. Dear Gawd, if you see me wearing animal prints and drinking Zinfandel… SHOOT ME!
I mean, I ain’t no spring chicken anymore… That I know! I’ve long accepted that the ‘pre-drinking’ days of throwing on a skin-tight dress only to have young horny men offer to buy me drinks all night are over (I’m now using those dresses as leg warmers). And you ain’t gonna catch me doing Jaeger shots after licking Cool Whip off some strapping young… Oh, Never mind… What I’m trying to say is I’ve matured, OK? But I ain’t no Cougar!
But seriously, lately it takes me twice as long to look half as good. Don’t get me wrong, my palette is still workable… to a paper maché artist maybe, but whatev’. Gone are the days of ‘Look, but don’t touch’… Replaced with the days of ‘Touch, but don’t look’… or what I like to call marriage!
Then the unthinkable happened to me the other day. I walked by a construction site and it was me who was doing the whistling! Unlike in my 2os, I didn’t turn one head… instead it was my head doing the turning. I tell y’a, I could’ve chipped a tooth on some of those biceps!
I got home, I did what any self-respecting woman would do… I consulted Cosmo‘s “How to get a guy” Guide. Taking Cosmo‘s advice very seriously, I studied every word of that Guide. Determined to get my own whistle, I went back to the scene of the crime and paced back n’ forth like Kristen Wigg’s drive-by scene in Bridesmaids.
Tip #1: Flirt, smile and laugh A LOT
Apparently this helps put a man at ease making you appear to be more approachable. So I tossed my hair from side to side, threw my head back in laughter, and longingly looked up at them from under my eyelashes. They just looked over at me with fear in their eyes… or was it pity? Hard to tell… It was then that I realized I’d forgotten to pretend to set the scene and make it look like I was talking on my cell. Shit!
Tip #2: Embrace a distinct personal style
This shows that a woman is confident about expressing herself, and not scared to stand out in a crowd. Hell ya, I embrace my own Mom style! I wear my Walmart mommy sneakers like a pair of f@cking Louboutins… And as if that isn’t sexy enough, the stretched-out, armpit-stained maternity top should really bring them to their knees. Oh, they were on their knees alright… praying to the Heaven’s above for it to STOP!
Tip #3: Don’t look like you’re trying too hard
Ummm *cough* so apparently men are attracted to *cough* “natural women” *cough*. Because fake boobs don’t grab their attention at all, right? Riiiight!!! Well, no problem boyz! My lady lumps n’ bumps are all natural… every extra inch of them!
Tip #4: Take things slow
Men are turned off when a woman starts talking about marriage and babies on the first date. I strutted my stuff in sloooow motion… Eat your heart out boyz! I even did the Legally Blonde Stop, Drop and Snap movement! And not too worry, this woman is married and I certainly am NOT looking for a second. Not looking for commitment… just a whistle!
So how did I do?
Well, not only did I NOT get a whistle from those young, buff, sweaty constuction boyz… but as I strutted my stuff, they pulled out their rape whistles! Prey/Pray!
So while I’m yet to notice any grey hairs in the nether regions, alas, it’s true, I ain`t no spring chicken.
In any event, I’m aging like a fine boxed wine… and I’m still able to drink like a young champ! Those young construction pups ain’t seen nothing ’til they’ve seen Mama down a couple stiff one. Erg… that totally made me sound like a true, pure-bred, nasty-ass Cougar, didn’t it? I digress…