So my kid bit another kid today. Not some cutesy little toddler nibble. Nope…
Tears, screaming. All eyes on me… the mother of a Class “A” Predator. After frantically apologizing to the mother, the kid, and the mother again, I was then paid a visit by the “Shitty Mom Fairy”, obviously.
You know her, right? She swoops in right as you’re about to have a mental breakdown just to make you feel even shittier than you already do as a mother.
As if the fact that my toddler just went all Mike Tyson on another kid wasn’t bad enough… The Shitty Mom Fairy then has to fly in, tossing her shitty smelling shade my way.
My child is feral and will most likely grow up in a federal prison. Images of orange jumpsuits and me baking cupcakes for inmates dance through my head. And then the reasons why it’s all my fault come floading into my already over-thinking mom brain…
He bit because of that time I subtely ignored him after he’d asked me for the 1,372 time to read him that f-ing board book… and for that, I’m a Shit Mom.
He bit because I only sat for 875 hours straight (not 10,325 hours straight) to play pretend invisible Bad Guys! And for that, I’m a Shit Mom.
He bit because I haven’t faithfully fed him organic tree bark and now he’s a few fries short of a happy meal. And for that, I’m a Shit Mom.
He bit because I let him watch more than the 4.3 seconds of daily recommended screen time, so his behaviour reflects that of a dog-like social outcast. And for that, I’m a Shit Mom. (Although I think Caillou’s Shit Mom should also take some the blame too, right?).
According to the Shitty Mom Fairy… for all these reasons, and SO many more, my toddler is biting.
Until another mom came up to me and said “My daughter was a biter. Don’t worry… they grow out of it.” Only then was I reminded that I’m not a Shit Mom. Like, at all. It’s actually my kid who is the shithead.
Because he’s a toddler. And toddlers are assholes… on steroids… on repeat. My older two never bit, but they challenged me in different ways. Because they are toddlers. And toddlers are assholes… on steroids… on repeat.
So I grabbed my little shithead toddler and hugged him hard, like only a good mom can… showing him that love always wins over violence.
Then I turned and stared that Shitty Mom Fairy right in her shitty brown eyes, and said “BITE ME”.