Based on my last post, I hope you’re all feelin’ a little less horny. (If you missed my last post… WTF, read it!) But, unfortunately, there’s another component of Spring that we need to discuss…the dreaded “G” word: gardening!

I don’t do gardening. I have fake plants from Dollarama in my window flower boxes! They’ve been there for more than 3 years. This is the extent of my gardening abilities. I have ZERO interest in it!

But now I’ve become a stay-at-home with my Little Orange Crush, I’m feeling the domestic pressures of having to grow a vegetable garden. I try to get enthused about it, especially when I see signs that say “Spring is here. We’re so excited we could wet our plants”. But as punny cute as it is, I’m feeling pretty dry about the whole idea. I need to be titillated, People!

Thing is, I’m not opposed to having a vegetable garden, but I’m not convinced it’s all that great either. There are just so many other things I’d rather be doing, like swallowing knives, for instance.

But I’m willing to be convinced otherwise. Until then, here are some reasons why people swear by vegetable gardens, followed by my thoughts against on them:

Enjoy the outdoors

I love the outdoors. I just prefer to spend my time outside with my ass planted in a Muskoka chair, on my back deck, a bottle glass of wine in hand.

Save money

This I understand if you are from 19 and Counting and have 300 mouths to feed. Otherwise, really? How many friggin’ veggies do you eat, People? Last I checked, we were not going broke from our outrageous spending on vegetables… If there is a type of garden that lowers our mortgage or helps our retirement savings grow, I’m all for it! But veggies are not digging us into the poor house. Pun intended!

Make it a family affair

Unless Big J is having an affair with a hoe… I’m a little lost on this one! Camping, parks, waterslides, swimming, hikes, these are things we’d rather do with our Little Orange Crush. I didn’t spend my childhood hunched over a patch of dirt planting veggies with my Mama, and I turned out alright. Right? Hello?!?

Therapeutic healing powers

Really? ‘Cause it looks like it’ll do a number on my knees and my back. Not to mention exposing my leathery youthful skin to UV rays! Then again, I can think of an offensive four letter gardening word that just might have therapeutic benefits… W@#D! For medicinal purposes, of course!

Physical activity

Hmmm…The last time I participated in any physical activity, a seed was planted indeed. Shit, I ended up 50 pounds heavier with a baby on my hip! I’ve since sworn off any type of physical activity, thank you very much!

Gardening, well, it all just seems like a lot of whining when I’d much rather be wining, you know?

So here is my solution… maybe I can seduce sweet-talk Big J into doing it for me with the promise of healing, therapeutic results. Because as only a wise woman knows, if you want to grow your own dope… plant a man!

And who knows, maybe he’ll dig deep enough and we can enjoy our very own G-spot after all. Now that’s a reason to garden, if I do say so myself!

Cheers,

Red Whino

And that Ladies and Gentleman pretty much sums it up! THE END!