Tag Archives: Humor

2P or not 2P… That is the question!

Posted on by
3

The dog days of summer are upon us. And with the extreme heat, come the pool parties. And with pool parties, comes the question: To pee or not to pee… in da’ pool, of course!

I’ve had this conversation with a lot of people, and most say they do NOT pee in pools (insert eye roll). My research has led me to one conclusion: That there are 2 types of people: those who pee in pools, and those who LIE!

images

Also, there’s been recent evidence that ‘urine tracing dyes’ are a myth. (WooHoo!) See? Believe it or not, I do actually do some research for what some might otherwise call an unintelligible blog. Sheesh! So you no longer need to go through the motion of letting out a little squirt, looking down for the blue dye, only to then let ‘er rip!  It was all lies… lies, lies, lies! Propaganda, my friends, propaganda!

So, now that we know we all pee in pools (whether you admit it or not), AND that there is no traceable evidence, we need to cover the etiquette of  HOW to pee in a pool. ‘Cause like anything in life… if you want to be successful, you have to have a plan. It’s all about strategy, People!

Here are my Top 8 Tips to help you pee in your friend’s pool without being suspected of doing what everyone else is doing anyway… peeing!

1. Don’t stay in the pool for too long. Frolicking around (do not stay still for even a minute!), get out have a drink, immerse yourself once more, do the deed, frolick some more. On the flip side, do NOT get in, pee, and get out. WAY TOO OBVIOUS! It’s all about timing!

2. Be careful not to pee only to have an unplanned poop too! We’ve all had this happen to us while on the shitter. You go to the bathroom for a quick tinkle, only to have a sneaky poop rear its ugly head. In a pool though? Shit, this is a tough one. It can happen (or so I’ve heard!), so you need to be prepared. Always carry a brownie in a little zip lock baggie… safely tuck it in your bikini top or shorts, and if you have an unplanned liquid poop, quickly shove the brownie in your mouth and pretend to barf. No one will appreciate the fact that you’ve thrown-up in the pool, but at least they won’t know you’ve really taken a dump in the pool. IF your unplanned poop is a hard one, try to inconspicuously toss it into the bush!

3. Pee IN the pool, not INTO the pool! Boys, yes I know you’ve been blessed with the ability to whip it out wherever and whenever you want, but do not stand along the sides and relieve yourself. And ladies, definitely don’t squat over the edge. Just get in the water! Or (gasp!) use the bathroom!

4. If you’ve had asparagus within 24 hours of the pool party, peeing while submersed in water eliminates the asparagus pee smell. So really, you are doing everyone a favor by NOT using the bathroom! ‘Cause who wants to use the bathroom after someone’s had an asparagus pee?

5. After pushing a watermelon out of a golf ball sized hole, a mother simply has to cough or sneeze and she’ll piss herself. So really, peeing in a pool should be a constitutional right for all mothers!

6. Do not reach down and move your bikini crotch off to the side. SO OBVIOUS! As Nike says: Just Do It!

7. Do not draw attention to warm spots… yours’ or others. Guilt by association, People. Plus, it’s just childish behavior!

8. If you have kids, BRING THEM! If you don’t have kids, BORROW SOME! The younger the better. Should you get caught, there’s nothing better than blaming a poor, innocent child who doesn’t’ have the ability to speak for themselves for your wrong doings. It’s parenting 101, really.

So, 2P or not 2P…?

Oh common’, don’t make a liar out of yourself. Just pee already…  As they say, when in Rome…

Just make sure you don’t pee in MY pool… and I don’t care how much asparagus you’ve eaten!

Cheers, Red Whino

PS. For those of you who left your sense of humor back at the office, I don’t tend to pee in pools. Not going to say I never have, but I do my best not to… cause I’m classy n’ shit like that!  But lakes and oceans? They’re fair game, y’all! Fair game…

Let the Potty Mouth Training begin… F*ck!

Posted on by
6

Warning: This post contains several ‘bad’ words… If you are prudishly sensitive or otherwise just live under a rock, my advice to you is to skip it! If you choose to read it, find yourself offended, and then feel the need to send me hate mail… Please do! I so enjoy reading them!

For the rest of you…

Our Beasts have gone from being sweet lumps on the couch to masterful mimicking clowns. They observes everything we do, and everything we say.  In other words… they are very influential right now. Which, well, is somewhat worrisome considering they have me for a mother and Big J for a father. So to avoid raising  2.0 versions of *cough* ourselves… Big J and I have embarked on the daunting task of potty training our filthy mouths.

I, Red Whino, do solemnly swear… ummm, not to swear! Is that an oxymoron?!?

I never realized just how often I drop the F-bomb… until it came time to stop!  It’s second nature for me. You see, I am fluently educated in 4 languages… English, French, Sarcasm, and Swearing. For me, it takes so much pre-emptive thought just to string together a child-proof sentence that sometimes it’s easier to just say nothing at all.

I hesitate to ask Big J how his day was… because how does one describe a day at the office without a pint-size ‘f*ck’? And he certainly won’t ask me how my day was… because how does one spend a day with a threesome of babbling monkeys without a keg sized ‘f*ck’? So while our our Beasts are around, Big J and I basically just stare at one another like a pair of stunned blowfish. Because without swear words, what we’ve got here is failure to communicate!

I mean seriously, how does one effectively express themselves otherwise? ‘Poopie pants’ and ‘meanie head’ just don’t cut it. And I refuse to become one of those douche bags who use ‘friggin’… Ugh! So friggin’ lame, right?

But alas, Big J and I have pledged to clean-up our daytime red neck potty-mouths… If only for the sake of our sweet savage children, of course. Also, and more importantly, for the sake of my reputation. ‘Cause if I’m anything… I’m one classy lady!

imagesCAJM5DHO

But when our little monkeys go to bed? Ah, well, the gloves come off… Big J and I get our f*ck on!

Together, in perfect synchronized harmony, we f*ck! It’s like we’re newlyweds all over again…  f*cking as much as possible.  Ahhh, the sweet language of love.

And when it’s time for Mommy and Daddy to go to bed, we snuggle up and succumb to our sweet f*cking dreams, knowing we’ll wake up on mute for yet another day of responsible-parenting.

Really it’s the best f*cking we’ve had in a long time… and we didn’t even have to get under the covers to enjoy it!

Cheers,

Red Whino

A toast to my fellow Whinos…

Posted on by
4

imagesCA37DMU7

It’s like Y2K all over again! Only this time I’m not face down in a plate of nachos after having drown myself in a few pitchers of beer… I’m also not stockpiling canned foods in my pantry. I don’t have 18 generator systems on standby. And this time round, if my computer spontaneously combusts, it’s only because I’m a complete tool when it comes to technology.

What am I talking about? This morning my blog hit 20,000 viewers!!! And some of you are even coming back for dirty seconds… and thirds! Oh, I know in the grand bloggin’ scheme of things, this number is peanuts. But to be honest, when I started this blog just over a month ago, I thought my Mama would be my one and only fan… and that’s purely out of obligation! So I’m thrilled, if maybe a little worried… as this proves there are people out there who share my questionable sense of humour.

And while most of you are too shy (or probably just don’t care) to actually sign up as a follower, I get it. I’m your dirty little secret. I’m totally fine being your shame blog. I’ll take whatever action I can get!

All that said, I’d love to hear your thoughts on my blog… Too raunchy? Just about right Anything you’re itching for me to whine about?

Lastly, thank you all for your support. I love writing my blog… if only ’cause it lets me get away from my precious bundles of joy for even an hour. It also gives me an excuse to wine – as if I needed one!

Feel free to share the whine! Tweet me. FaceBook me. Spread me like a cool high school disease. Fear not, my privacy is about as sacred to me as it is to those Kardashians. And ironically my name also happens to start with a ‘K’.

Happy weekend my bloggin’ Whinos!

Cheers,

Red Whino

Do I make you horny, Baby?

Posted on by
7

Spring has sprung… finally! The days are getting warmer. Little birdies are a chirpin’. The smell of charcoaled carcass on the BBQ fills the air. Corpse-coloured legs are starting to get their stride on. Tankinis and Daisy Dukes’ are being dusted off. Flip flops are a flippin’. Love is in the air.

Everyone is coming out of hibernation after a long Canadian winter. Everyone’s feeling a little frisky… busy getting busy! (Did you know that next to Christmas, April is the most popular month to conceive? Well, now you do!)

Tis’ the Season for Spring Fever! Ladies throw on their little tank-tops and push-up bras, guys flex there biceps, and everyone is all like “Oh, baby baby”… Et Voila! A seed is planted. Also, it rains a lot in April, and well, what else is there to do when it rains, right? But apparently no one is wearing their protective rain gear.

Ahhh good ole’ Spring! What’s not to love…

I’ll tell you what… Horniness! And I’m not talking about the Spring Fever kind of horniness. No… I’m talking about horny f-cking toe nails! Jeyzuz! If you’re going to impose opened-toed shoes on the world, make sure your feet don’t look like a dog’s breakfast!

Seriously, do people look at their feet and say to themselves ‘Hmmm… I think the crusty, cracked souls of my feet really bring out the thick, yellow, fungussy toe nails.’? (I just vomited a bit in my mouth.) Honestly, I was standing in line the other day, and the man’s feet in front of me looked like they were right out of Deliverance!

Every year it’s the same! Everyone strips down to their skivvies and flip flops. Fine…Great! But why can’t people objectively see what their feet really look like? And I’m not talking about genetically gross feet… like those who’s second toe is 3 times longer than their big toe! ‘Cause it’s not their fault. There is little to be done about genetically ugly feet.

I’m talking about maintenance… HYGIENE! This is within our control, and we owe it to each other to ensure our feet are presentable. Otherwise, put your feet away! And no, socks with sandals is NOT the solution!

Really, there’s no excuse for such atrocities. It’s such a simple fix… get a bloody pedicure!!!  I’ve done my due diligence and had my Spring pedi. Next I’m going to get Big J in there so they can attempt to rid him of his tribal, coal-walking, horny feet.

And who knows… once we’ve dealt with Big J’s horny feet, this Big Mama might just have a lil’ Spring Fever left in her after all…

Cheers,

Red Whino

Sharing is Caring… Feel free to spread the love and laughter this blog has to offer. And follow me on Face Book at “Red Whine Diaries” (full name) for daily thoughtless thoughts.

From Horny to Horny... $10... Me Love You Long Time...

From Horny to Horny…
$10… Me Love You Long Time…