The dog days of summer are upon us. And with the extreme heat, come the pool parties. And with pool parties, comes the question: To pee or not to pee… in da’ pool, of course!

I’ve had this conversation with a lot of people, and most say they do NOT pee in pools (insert eye roll). My research has led me to one conclusion: That there are 2 types of people: those who pee in pools, and those who LIE!

Also, there’s been recent evidence that ‘urine tracing dyes’ are a myth. (WooHoo!) See? Believe it or not, I do actually do some research for what some might otherwise call an unintelligible blog. Sheesh! So you no longer need to go through the motion of letting out a little squirt, looking down for the blue dye, only to then let ‘er rip!  It was all lies… lies, lies, lies! Propaganda, my friends, propaganda!

So, now that we know we all pee in pools (whether you admit it or not), AND that there is no traceable evidence, we need to cover the etiquette of  HOW to pee in a pool. ‘Cause like anything in life… if you want to be successful, you have to have a plan. It’s all about strategy, People!

Here are my Top 8 Tips to help you pee in your friend’s pool without being suspected of doing what everyone else is doing anyway… peeing!

1. Don’t stay in the pool for too long. Frolicking around (do not stay still for even a minute!), get out have a drink, immerse yourself once more, do the deed, frolick some more. On the flip side, do NOT get in, pee, and get out. WAY TOO OBVIOUS! It’s all about timing!

2. Be careful not to pee only to have an unplanned poop too! We’ve all had this happen to us while on the shitter. You go to the bathroom for a quick tinkle, only to have a sneaky poop rear its ugly head. In a pool though? Shit, this is a tough one. It can happen (or so I’ve heard!), so you need to be prepared. Always carry a brownie in a little zip lock baggie… safely tuck it in your bikini top or shorts, and if you have an unplanned liquid poop, quickly shove the brownie in your mouth and pretend to barf. No one will appreciate the fact that you’ve thrown-up in the pool, but at least they won’t know you’ve really taken a dump in the pool. IF your unplanned poop is a hard one, try to inconspicuously toss it into the bush!

3. Pee IN the pool, not INTO the pool! Boys, yes I know you’ve been blessed with the ability to whip it out wherever and whenever you want, but do not stand along the sides and relieve yourself. And ladies, definitely don’t squat over the edge. Just get in the water! Or (gasp!) use the bathroom!

4. If you’ve had asparagus within 24 hours of the pool party, peeing while submersed in water eliminates the asparagus pee smell. So really, you are doing everyone a favor by NOT using the bathroom! ‘Cause who wants to use the bathroom after someone’s had an asparagus pee?

5. After pushing a watermelon out of a golf ball sized hole, a mother simply has to cough or sneeze and she’ll piss herself. So really, peeing in a pool should be a constitutional right for all mothers!

6. Do not reach down and move your bikini crotch off to the side. SO OBVIOUS! As Nike says: Just Do It!

7. Do not draw attention to warm spots… yours’ or others. Guilt by association, People. Plus, it’s just childish behavior!

8. If you have kids, BRING THEM! If you don’t have kids, BORROW SOME! The younger the better. Should you get caught, there’s nothing better than blaming a poor, innocent child who doesn’t’ have the ability to speak for themselves for your wrong doings. It’s parenting 101, really.

So, 2P or not 2P…?

Oh common’, don’t make a liar out of yourself. Just pee already…  As they say, when in Rome…

Just make sure you don’t pee in MY pool… and I don’t care how much asparagus you’ve eaten!

Cheers, Red Whino

PS. For those of you who left your sense of humor back at the office, I don’t tend to pee in pools. Not going to say I never have, but I do my best not to… cause I’m classy n’ shit like that!  But lakes and oceans? They’re fair game, y’all! Fair game…