‘Dem moms be smart asses… and pretty smart too!

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SMART…. the latest buzz word.  It seems to be all the rage these days. Smart phones. Smart books. Smart cars. Smart Food. Smart Serve. What about Smart Moms?  Or do they even exist?

Oh, stereotypes!  Gotta love ’em, right?! ‘Cause let me tell you, when it comes to  stay-at- home moms in particular… there are ALOT of them!  But let’s be honest, stereotypes have evolved for a reason. So yes, many of them are true… But definitely not all. Like, believe it or not, there ARE smart stay-at-home moms. True story! Because being a stay-at-home mom does not automatically make you lazy, boring, or stupid. I mean sure, there are some lazy, boring and stupid ones. No doubt. But guess what? There are also alot of lazy, boring and stupid people in the workforce. Again, true story! Just because a woman chooses to forgo her career path, does not mean she’s a few fries short of a happy meal.

Since I myself made the decision to give up my career to stay home, I have been subject to these stereotypes on many occasions. I have often been made to feel lesser, or that I’m not able to contribute to conversations as I am obviously too “simple” a woman. Funny thing is, I have far more education than most of the people who have tried to belittle me.

But here’s the thing, for me, being educated doesn’t automatically make you “smart”. It shows that you are dedicated and able to commit, of course. But I’ve met many professionals who have bad luck when it comes to, well, thinking. And others who are sooooo f-ing boring… Zzz! Just as I’ve met ALOT of brilliant and successful individuals who have studied at the University of Life!

I spent more years pounding the corporate pavement than I have negotiating with DicToddlers. So I am confident enough to say, they both have their challenges, both can be mentally draining and both require having a bit of, well, smarts. That said, for many (I’ll even go so far as to say “most”) work environments it’s really all about knowing how to play the game. Knowing how to talk the talk, and walk the walk. Being smart is somewhat of an acting skill acquired on the iSmart Shelf in the supply room.

It got me thinking (yeh, that’s right… thinking!) that if ever, as a stay-at-home mom, you are feeling undervalued or made to feel inadequate to the “stereotypers”, I’ve come up with a bullet proof list of ways to pull the wool over ‘dem Smart People’s eyes. So next time you’re at a dinner party (bahaha, I know right?! Past my bedtime too) try these.

List of how to NOT let people know how stupid you really are:

1. iSmart CREDENTIALS AFTER YOUR NAME
First and foremost! Because OMG ‘dem Smart People fall over themselves for those who are smart enough to have formal credentials. And I don’t just mean in written form. No no, you need to verbalize the shit out of your “letters”. Make them up if you need to… ‘dem Smart People won’t even know the difference. Introduce yourself using them… “Hi, I’m Red Whino, PhD AW, AK… It’s a pleasure to meet you”. (AW… ass wiping. AK… ass kissing). ‘Cause hell ya’ do you ever sound important!

2. USE iSmart MATH
Even if you suck ass at math, ‘dem Smart People luv big numbers. Speak in percentages or, ohhh, fractions to further impress. Even if your numbers are completely off, they won’t notice… you had ’em at “numerical value”.

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3. USE iSmart WORKPLACE BUZZ WORDS
By Jeezuz, they flock to this shit like flies on horse dung. And best part is, these words mean nothing… NOTHING!  Using corporate buzz words is the best way to appear smart when you have no clue what they’re talking about… and I bet your bottom dollar they too have no idea what anyone’s talking about. Try it… Throw a “Let’s park that idea” and they’ll all look to you nodding, and impressed as if you’d found the solution on how to impeach the Trumpanzee. It’s honestly like magic verbal diarrhea.

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4. FAKE AN iSmart PHONE CALL
In the middle of your conversation, have your phone ring. Answer with your full name AND credentials.  Look apologetically at ‘dem Smart People. Then revert to #3 and use those f-ing buzz words like a Boss, yo!  “I’d definitely like to discuss this more, maybe we can table this until tomorrow morning?” Honestly, they’ll think you’re in the FBI or some shit. Noone needs to know that it was your babysitter telling you that your offspring smeared feces on the wall, again.  Noone’s business!

5. WEAR iSmart GLASSES
The classic geeks chic… Because only smart people wear glasses, obviously. But we moms are tired… sooooo tired. So I came up with the perfect pair of Mom Glasses. They give the appearance of giving two shits, while letting you get some much-deserved zzz’s.

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6. PUT ON YOUR iSmart FACE
Stay-at-home moms don’t just wear yoga pants and high oily ponytails, nope… we also have a closet full of facial expressions. Remember, only 35% of what you actually say matters, the rest is non-verbal. So put on your Fake Oscar Face. Here are a few “go to” faces to make when trying to pretend that you’re smart.

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7. iSmart READING MATERIALS
Carry reading materials with you that shows you are relevant, oh, and able to read more than just a board book, or 50 Shades of Shit. Bonus: You can order this as a slip cover to cover up the unintelligible bubble gum mom garbage you really read, obviously.

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Truth is, we’re only as smart as we want to be. You don’t have to go to Harvard to know how to pick up a book or newspaper.  So at the end of the day, just be yourself. Because truly intelligent people tend to care less of what others think. Also, we are all “smart” in our own capacities… we all have our own vault of knowledge. Where an accountant may be better with numbers, than a lawyer is with words, than a mother is with project management. Also, as a stay-at-home mom you are responsible for raising the next generation, and during the most influencial and formative years of their little lives. That’s no small feat, so give yourself some credit. In the end… iSmart…uSmart… We all smart! We too are ‘dem Smart People.

The moms I know, whether working or home, tend to be the smartest, funniest, sassiest women I’ve ever met. They certainly don’t need to pull a Milli Vanilli and pretend to be anything other than themselves. They are survivors. They are not only smart… but also a bunch of smart asses. And they are not only pretty… but pretty smart too. And of that, I’m pretty sure!

Cheers,

Red Whino

 

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2 thoughts on “‘Dem moms be smart asses… and pretty smart too!

  1. I LOVE you Katie!
    Thanks for always making me laugh and being so honest and true to REAL life! Hugs!

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