I was in a minor car accident today. It was entirely my fault. I’m not going to bore you with the logistics of how it happened. But there are a few details you need to know for this story.

My 2 year old son, Tyler, was in the car with me. (He was completely unharmed). An elderly man was driving the vehicle I hit. The damage to his vehicle was substantially worse than mine.

Ok. So after the hit, the first thing I did was get my baby out. He was happy and smiling. All good. The man and I then looked to check the damage. I was shaking and crying. Not because I was hurt, not in the least. More so because I didn’t see the hit coming, so was more mentally shaken, if anything.

He was a grumpy-in-an-adorable-kind-of-way old school soul, lecturing me on “today’s generation”. We exchanged information. He said he’d have to get a quote and would send it to me… Obviously it being my fault, the damage would be mine to shoulder. Fair.

I called my husband. Bawling. He couldn’t have cared less about the damage, just that we were alright.

A few hours later the mechanic’s estimate came in at just under $3,000… for his car alone. Then I got a phone call from the grumpy-in-an-adorable-kind-of-way man whose car I’d hit. A call that would change my life…

He said “I’m just calling to wish you and that little boy of yours a Merry Christmas.” Ummm… OK?

“Merry Christmas,” he said again, “just worry about fixing your car. And I’ll worry about mine”.

I was speechless. I didn’t understand. Then he elaborated.

“Like you, I had 3 kids. And like you, I had a Tyler. But my Tyler was killed by a drunk driver when he was young. When I heard you say your son’s name today, I couldn’t help but think it was a sign. You’re in the thick of life right now, I remember how taxing those days were. So the least I can do is take a young mother’s stress away and give her a relaxing, worry-free Christmas with her family.”

What does one say? You don’t… There are no words.

It was the true meaning of “the gift of giving”. I don’t yet know why it happened to me. And I don’t yet know what I’m to do with it. But I do know that we always have to believe in the good in people. And to be the good. And to spread the good. That there truly are angels all around us… some named Tyler from up above, and others right here on earth getting hit by a very very grateful and lucky Mom who was fortunate enough to be able kiss and tuck her own angel into bed tonight… also named Tyler.

Cheers, xoxo

I keep seeing these posts asking “if you could write a letter to your younger self, what would you say?”

Nothing, is my answer. Don’t get me wrong… I made A LOT of questionable, if not just plain stupid, decisions… and I acted on nearly ALL of them. I didn’t treat my body with the respect it deserved. I let the good guys go, and kept the wrong ones around. I broke hearts. I had my heart broken. I even broke my own heart at times. I lost some good friends through my actions. I didn’t listen to advice from those who cared most about me. I followed, even when my gut told me to run the other way. I was scared to be different. I missed opportunities because I lacked confidence. I never slowed down to take it all in. I didn’t sleep enough. I made impromptu decisions. I didn’t always consider the consequences. I was selfish at times. I was disrespectful at times. And I can’t say I always gave it my best.

Do I have regrets? Sure. Some. But not a lot, because even the bad made me better. So it’s hard to regret any of my younger choices, as they are what got me to where I am today. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

And I’m more than alright with who I am today.

It’s not to say I’m now perfect. It’s not to say I won’t continue to make bad decisions. It’s not to say I don’t still question myself, daily. The evolution continues. Because I now face a whole new set of challenges that my younger self didn’t have… parenthood, career, marriage, larger financial responsibilities, aging parents, etc.

So no. I wouldn’t tell my younger self to change anything.

And when I’m 80, I hope to look back on ALL my younger years, and still feel the same.

Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Because when nothing is certain, anything is possible.

Cheers, xo

I was playing “doctor” with my 3 year old today.  He had me lie down on the couch as he strategically identified every one of my body parts that needed “fixing”.

He started at my toes, and with precision and focus he used masking tape to fix all my broken bones. Broken toes… Broken knees… Broken hips… Broken ribs… He taped me back together like the little surgeon he was pretending to be.

He then looked me in the eyes, and leaned over and gave me a soft, sweet kiss on the lips. My boy, I thought.

But his kiss came with a purpose. Because he then explained that “Tape won’t fix your broken heart, Mommy. But a kiss will.”

Touched, but also somewhat concerned, I asked him why he thinks Mommy has a broken heart.

He looked at me like I had two heads, “Because we’re playing doctor, and I’m fixing all your broken bones. And only a kiss will fit a broken heart.” Duh…

These little moments. The ones that seemingly mean so little to him, yet so much to me.

For all the nights I lay awake questioning if I am doing right by them as their mother, were just answered by my boy’s sweet kiss.

He is more than good. He is thriving. Happy. Loving. Smart. I am doing right by them.

So while there is no need to fix my broken heart… he certainly does know how to heal a mother’s heart that is bursting with love.

Cheers, xo

So my kid bit another kid today. Not some cutesy little toddler nibble. Nope…

Tears, screaming. All eyes on me… the mother of a Class “A” Predator. After frantically apologizing to the mother, the kid, and the mother again, I was then paid a visit by the “Shitty Mom Fairy”, obviously.

You know her, right? She swoops in right as you’re about to have a mental breakdown just to make you feel even shittier than you already do as a mother.

As if the fact that my toddler just went all Mike Tyson on another kid wasn’t bad enough… The Shitty Mom Fairy then has to fly in, tossing her shitty smelling shade my way.

My child is feral and will most likely grow up in a federal prison. Images of orange jumpsuits and me baking cupcakes for inmates dance through my head. And then the reasons why it’s all my fault come floading into my already over-thinking mom brain…

He bit because of that time I subtely ignored him after he’d asked me for the 1,372 time to read him that f-ing board book… and for that, I’m a Shit Mom.

He bit because I only sat for 875 hours straight (not 10,325 hours straight) to play pretend invisible Bad Guys! And for that, I’m a Shit Mom.

He bit because I haven’t faithfully fed him organic tree bark and now he’s a few fries short of a happy meal. And for that, I’m a Shit Mom.

He bit because I let him watch more than the 4.3 seconds of daily recommended screen time, so his behaviour reflects that of a dog-like social outcast. And for that, I’m a Shit Mom. (Although I think Caillou’s Shit Mom should also take some the blame too, right?).

According to the Shitty Mom Fairy… for all these reasons, and SO many more, my toddler is biting.

Until another mom came up to me and said “My daughter was a biter. Don’t worry… they grow out of it.” Only then was I reminded that I’m not a Shit Mom. Like, at all. It’s actually my kid who is the shithead.

Because he’s a toddler. And toddlers are assholes… on steroids… on repeat. My older two never bit, but they challenged me in different ways. Because they are toddlers. And toddlers are assholes… on steroids… on repeat.

So I grabbed my little shithead toddler and hugged him hard, like only a good mom can… showing him that love always wins over violence.

Then I turned and stared that Shitty Mom Fairy right in her shitty brown eyes, and said “BITE ME”.

Cheers, xo

My children woke up at 4:30am this morning. They refused to go back to sleep. They had ants in their pyjama pants. TV wasn’t going to cut it. They were behaving like a pack of chimpanzees on Red Bull. Once we made it downstairs, throwing their breakfast at eachother was more fun than actually eating it. And why drink milk when you can spill it all over the floor? I then had about as much success dressing them as one would have painting nailpolish on a squirrel’s toenails. In the end, they were fed and dressed. And me a little crazy, but still so so inlove with my kiddies.

But you know what? This morning, fifty people were robbed of these crazy mornings. They were robbed of their  chance to be woken up at 4:30am. They were robbed of their chance to watch morning food fights and clean daily milk spills. They were robbed of the chance to hug and kiss their children, no matter how crazy they make them.

50 PEOPLE! Fifty lives. Gone… just like that. For no reason other than some lunatic asshole who has easy access to a fully automatic weapon.

So hug your kids. And remember… just when they drive you to the point of insanity… and you think it can’t get any worse. Just remember, it could be worse. Much worse.

Because what happens in Vegas… didn’t stay in Vegas! Not this time. This time it is being felt around the world.

Thoughts and love with Las Vegas!

Cheers, xo

These are my son’s hockey skates. He wanted pink laces. Because it’s “Mommy’s favourite colour”. He is 3 years old. He was so happy about his pink laces.

Fast forward to this morning… his first lesson of the season. He was an excited little boy. He laced those pink laced up… secured his helmet on… and eagerly awaited his ice time.

That’s when a girl said to him, “You know pink is for girls, right? That’s gay!”. Now this wasn’t another 3 year old who simply regurgitates what they’ve heard, verbatim. No, instead it was a 12 year old girl. A girl old enough to form her own opinion. A girl old enough to know right from wrong. A girl old enough to know when it’s not appropriate to comment.

To be honest, I was expecting it. When he chose pink laces, I knew someone would comment. I knew someone would stare. But I try to raise my children to stay true to themselves, without apology or explanation. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t bite my nails down, anxiously worrying about the hardships it takes for a child (even an adult!) to stay true to themselves… especially at such a young age, and in such a cruel world.

So yes, I wasn’t surprised. But what I WAS surprised by was my 3 year old son’s response.

“Well… football players wear pink!”

They do. They accessorize themselves from head to toe in pink to show their support for those affected by breast cancer. Survivors. Those battling for their lives. Those who have lost their battle. Their families. Their loved ones.

And my 3 year old noticed! He may not have known exactly why they sport pink… but he made the connection that, yes, boys too wear pink. In fact, even the most macho of men wear pink.

The girl had no idea what he was talking about. No doubt because in her world, girls don’t watch football.

But it got me thinking… as a mother of 3 boys, I am constantly hearing about the importance of raising boys who respect women and gender equality. Yes, yes and yes. I’m all for it. But there are two sides to every coin. And I was very much so reminded of it today.

Maybe we also need to hear about raising girls who are equally accepting of boys. Boys who want to take dance class. Boys who want to play with dolls. Boys who want to wear pink laces… even to play hockey! Without the label of being “gay”.

It’s a double edged sword that we, as parents and as society, need to let the sharp edges dull the f-ck out.

Because girls should play sports… where boys should wear pink. And girls should wear short shorts without assumption or judgement… where boys should wear pink without judgement or assumption. Where girls should be President, where well…Donald Trump.

So for all the hours I lie awake worrying about the job I’m doing as a mother… I can confidently say that after today, I must be doing something right.

We are one. Pink. Blue. Or somewhere in between.

Cheers, xo

You were due today! But all I have are my thoughts of you.

This picture is the last one I took before I was told you were gone. You left me at 14+ weeks. You may have stopped physically growing… but you have continued to grow emotionally inside of me, ever since.

No one talks about you anymore with me. No one asks. It’s not so much that they’ve forgotten about you, it’s just that they’ve moved on. And that’s ok. I have too, yet not at all.

It’s funny in a not so funny kinda way… I never knew you, yet I still think about you all the time, every day. Because I housed you under my heart for long enough to have felt your presence, and your loss. Greatly.

I find it especially hard lately, as you would have been making your grand debut. With the loss of a loved one who lived and breathed, we try to focus on the positive memories they leave behind. That’s the tricky thing about a miscarriage… one mourns for a life never lived. There was never a chance to make memories, so one might think it would be easy to simply “get over”. Not so much.

It’s a complicated heartache. Because you WERE. You were you. And you were mine… body and soul. And still yet, here you are… all these months later. Still with me in my daily thoughts. Still able to make my heart ache. Still able to fill me with rage at the unfairness of it.

I was going to light a candle today with the old adage “the light would guide you home”. But really, the only home you ever knew was right under my heart. When you lived inside of me, you brought me so much joy. So instead, I decided to pour myself a glass of champagne to commemorate the day. I decided to celebrate you.

“You”… You, who will always be remembered as My Lucky #4. If only…

Click here for original “Talk About Lucky” post when I publicly shared at time of miscarriage…

Talk about Lucky!

Cheers, xo

Today was little royal George’s first day at “big boy” school. Now, normally I’d just scroll past this tidbit of news. But it was the way the media portrayed it that got my attention.

That it was the future King of England’s first day at school was secondary… The main story was that drop off happened “without Mom”.

We all know why Mama Cambridge wasn’t there. And I think, as moms, we can all agree that she must be feeling pretty crappy to have missed his first day. But it’s the fact that the media felt the need to make her absence the main story, the headliner!

Had Prince William not been there for school drop off, it’d have subtly been mentioned in print, not the headline. It would be assumed that he was working or had a previous engagement, or was watching sport, or sleeping in, or clipping his royal toenails.

Because no matter the reason, Dads are always excused from the emotional milestone moments of parenting. Moms are unfairly called out for them.

It’s sending two messages here… One, that moms “should” be present for milestone moments because they are the emotional nurturers of the family, and if they aren’t there, they have failed their family. Second, and more importantly, that Dads alone aren’t enough. Undeservedly, that a father can’t provide the love and tenderness like a mother can.

Either way, no good comes from this message.

In today’s world, where women are fighting for equality, this headline fails us. On the flip side, men are also fighting for equality… but on the homefront. Again, this headline fails us.

Today was Prince George’s first day at school. He was safely dropped off by a loving capable parent. Period. End of story.

Cheers, xo

SHARE WITH ANY “GOOD” MOMS YOU KNOW –

A few years ago I got a Mother’s Day card that read “you are a good mom”. To be honest, I was somewhat taken aback. I’m a “good” mom? Not a great mom? Not an amazing mom? Not a super mom? Nope. Just a good one.

But it made me think… maybe I am JUST a good mom. And maybe I’m good with being good. Because really, being “amazing” is impossible. In today’s ever-competitive world of mothering, we try to support one another with the reassurance that we are all “amazing” moms. But really, we’re just putting unfair pressure on a “job” that already comes with so much pressure, fear, and stress, and let’s be honest… competition.

I am not a perfect mom. I am not an amazing mom. I am not a super mom.

When my kids pee the bed in the middle of the night, do I sometimes just shove a towel under them, and will deal with it in the morning? Yup, maybe.

When I’m so tired by the end of the day and my kids are being little bedtime pricks, do I sometimes skip teeth brushing so I can finally relax? Yup, maybe.

When I have zero ounces of fucks to give, do I sometimes skip the organic, chemistry-free meal, and go straight for the KD or McDrive Thru? Yup, maybe.

Do I sometimes let my kids sleep with me regardless of the “expert” theorists who say I’m raising dependent nut cases? Yup, maybe.

Do I sometimes feed my baby *gulp* formula instead of boob juice on those nights when I just need to pour 300 glasses of wine down my throat? Yup, maybe.

Do I sometimes sit my kids in front of the TV for longer than the recommended 4.2 minutes per day, so that I can drink my coffee uninterrupted? Yup, maybe.

Do I sometimes spend hours Pinterest’ing sensory bin shit, crafty shit, and healthy recipes that I’ll present in the shape of a tractor, only to tell them to go find something (anything!) to play with, so I can ignore them to creep people out on socia media? Yup, maybe.

As moms, we need to take one good, long, hard look in the mirror and finally, FINALLY, see ourselves for who we are… Human. We are good, but we are not perfect… not even close. But I guarantee you, to our kids, we are more than good enough. We are everything.

Because do we give them unconditional love? Yup. Do we laugh until our tummies hurt? Yup. Do we put them to bed every night feeling safe and loved? Yup. Do we try to instill in them empathy and compassion with the hopes they will grow to be Good People? Yup. Do we sometimes let them fail to teach them this world can be harsh and they can’t always have it their way? Yup. Do we teach them daily to be independent so they can one day spread their wings and soar in a world where we are not always there to help? Yup. We give them what matters most.

Amazing? No. Perfect? No. But we are damn good moms. So maybe, just maybe, we need to start setting more realistic expectations for ourselves, and eachother. We need to stop pretending, and put this whole notion of perfection behind us. Because it doesn’t exist. We all know it… we just have to be willing to admit it outwardly.

Because maybe being “just” a good mom, is really good enough.

Cheers, xoxo

So today I scored an A++ as a mother. Ya, that’s right… I killed it. A solid respectable 100%. The kind of score that puts the good ole’ bell curve into a tailspin.

Now don’t you go thinking it’s cause I’m one of ‘dem super-duper moms. Nope. There was no DIY crafting or sensory bin explorations. My children were not dressed in cute matching stiff-collared Banana Republic ensembles. And they certainly weren’t eating organic tree bark from an organic store. I didn’t bake high-fructose free, chemical-pesticide free or GMO-free treats for their recreational sports teams. Nor did I volunteer for any of the 8,472 volunteer things I always get asked to volunteer for every second of every day!

No. Infact, it was quite the opposite. After a breakfast that consisted of sugary yogurt drinks and sugary cereal, we set off for a totally unplanned, non-scheduled, non-Pinterest kind of summer day. As for dress attire… Boy#3 never made it out of his PJs, Boy#2 refused to wear underwear (or pants for that matter), and Boy#1 insisted on socks with sandles… which happened to be my high-heeled ones.

In addition to our unhealthy, fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants day (ironic with one kid not actually wearing pants, non?), some other gold star moments happened, which inevitably worked towards my perfect A++ Mom Score.

Last night, when the kids asked me what the weather was going to be like today, I said, “Hot. So hot you can fry an egg on the ground”. Well, if there’s one thing my kids and I have, it’s trust. Fast forward to this morning, I made the rookie mistake of turning my back for 45 seconds to change the toddler’s diaper, et voilà Thing 1 and Thing 2 tried to fry an egg… on the kitchen floor!

I then had the nerve to go for a pee. I know, right? And not a “Take my phone. Take my time” kind of pee. No, it was a “I have 3 boys jacked on sugar” nanosecond kind of pee. I am very aware that my absence is like a ticking time bomb. Only today, my toddler had just enough time to grab 2 handfuls of wet (WET!) catfood and shove it down the vent. To make matters worse, as I launched myself across the room in slow motion with a deep “nooooooo”… I stepped on a piece of Lego. And let me tell you… I went down faster than my teenage self on a second date. D.O.W.N… hard.

In the afternoon, I took them to an ice cream shop. All was well, until Kid#3 starts to lose his mind… for no reason other than being healthy, well-provided for and alive, obviously. Thrashing, kicking, spitting his sweet breathed venom at me. Whatever… I threw him under my arm like a seasoned boss. Just in time for Kid #2 to pour his melted ice cream juice all over himself. He too starts losing his mind. He’s frantic, as his Toddler OCD kicks in, and he needs to wash his hands… NOW. And this spill was no job for napkins. So I did what any self-respecting mother would do, I told him to wash his hands in the dog water bowl on the ground curtesy of the nice ice cream people. Winning! With two kids circling down into the 7th circle of tantrum hell, I had no idea where Boy#1 was. He’s a smart kid though, so I just assumed he’d crawled under a rock somewhere.

But in the end, it’s amazing how the tides of motherhood change, non? We ate a healthy dinner. Laughed. Sang songs. Played hide n’ seek. Went for a bike ride. A dip in the pool. Story time. Ending yet another day with sweet warm snuggles until they were limp in my arms, all of the day’s fuckeries behind us… replaced only by the sounds of their sweet breathing, and my bursting heart.

Motherhood is a funny thing. It’s a daily dance that evokes a multitude of emotions. Some days go by without incident. Other days are a gong show. Anyone who follows my blog knows that for me, it’s the gong-show days that I feel are especially important to talk about. It’s not that my children are always misbehaved, wild or out of control. Not at all. It’s rather about the alternative. If we only ever share the “good” side of motherhood… the perfect pictures and perfect stories, then we risk creating a maternal community based on deception and lies; which then results in feelings of inadequacy and judgement. We see this A LOT on popular mom forums. I try to keep it real. That’s not to say that every kid shoves cat food down the vent. Nor does mine on any given Sunday. But some days… THOSE days… happen to the best of us. It’s par for the motherhood course. And it’s surviving “those” days that earn us a perfect A++ Mom Score… especially when we’re willing to share them with fellow Moms.
So keep sharing. Keep talking. We’re all in this together.

Cheers, Red Whino
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