Ok. So we know I’m heading to Florida. We’ve covered how best to protect yourself from Jaws (see yesterday’s post… can save your life and those of your loved ones). Another unavoidable thing one has to deal with when going on vacation is the dreaded task of shopping for a bathing suit. Ugh! And then having to wear a bathing suit. Double Ugh!

I’ve read all the magazines, and watched all the Oprah shows about ‘tips for every body shape’ . I also found that looking through the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition was very helpful as I find I have similar features… Cough!…As in we both have a heart beat (even still, I bet theirs’ is still thinner than mine!).

So, for those of you who don’t look like Kate Moss in the 90s, here are some tips I’m all too happy to share with you for when buying and wearing the much dreaded bathing suit:

Wine – This is a given. Just make sure not to consume enough that you’re tipsy on your feet. Cause then you’ll find yourself stammering around which causes all your body parts to wobble.

Lighting – The lighting in changerooms is similar to being in a holding cell while questioned by the IRS during tax season. Politely ask that the store turn all power off. It’s amazing how good one looks in the pitch black dark.

Stay clear of UV rays – Oh! Were you thinking I was concerned about your skin? Please! For the same reasons as the above point, it’s best not to be seen in daylight. Become a Twilight fan… from dusk to dawn! Release the teenage groupie in you…Go Team Pattinson! (Side note: Having a moment here! This brings me back to my NKOTB days… I ‘heart’ Jordan!)

Shelving units – What’s with all the rage about underwire support? Maybe for the lucky B cups out there. For the rest of us (especially those of us who have been vacuum-sucked by a bass-lipped monkey) nothing can hold the girlz up like shelving. Tip: IKEA usually has some pretty good deals.

Food – Easy one! Avoid it at all costs… like for the 12 months leading up to the big ‘shop’, and while on vacation. It’s just not worth the risk!

Ruffles – I’m not talking Ruffles chips here, Ladies. Fabric ruffles distract from ripples and rolls… And yes, it’s totally inappropriate to wear ruffles after the age of 6, but vanity trumps all else!

Wind machine – They might not have one in the store, so bring your own. Blowing hair (on your head, not you legs) is a welcome distraction from what’s happening below. Think Mariah Carey! I also suggest you have one with you on the beach. Yes, it’s a logistical nightmare, but consider the alternative. But do not… I repeat, do not… go swimming with the wind machine. It’s dangerous. You could electrocute yourself, which will only attract unwanted attention.

Agent Orange – Nothing says ‘radiant’ like a dash of Linsday Lohan! Also helps hide the ‘cottage cheese’ on my one’s thighs.

Borrow a baby – The younger the better. Preferably twins if you can get your hands on a pair. It not only justifies a few extra kilos pounds, but babies are attention whores… Everyone loves a cute baby! It’s all about diverting attention from your ruffles!

Cry Wolf – My Mama always told me to cry wolf. Or was it never cry wolf? Anyways, when exiting the pool or ocean (assuming you haven’t been attacked by a shark) scream “WOLF” and point in the opposite direction of where your towel is. This will give you just enough time to run for cover. When they turn their attention back to you in utter confusion, just growl at them and wink. Some might even find this a little sexy… if not certifiable.

Don’t sit down! It’s inevitable… you will feel defeated (unfortunately not deflated) in your bathing suit. But for the love of God, stand up and feel sorry for yourself. Sitting down only makes those thighs spill over like a chocolate lava cake with a side serving of cottage cheese. Mmmm… cake!

100% proof! Well Vodka obviously. You don’t have to worry about the whole stagger/wobble situation (see point 1) as you will just fall into a toxic coma! Then again, this just makes you vulnerable to having people stare at you while you’re passed out. Best to save your vodka for another time.

Really, I think Xanax is your safest bet.

So there you have it! The Red Whino’s Guide to looking your best on the beach! And for those of you who swear by diet and exercise… well, good on you! Crunch a carrot and go drown in a lake of diet coke.

And listen, I’m all for Girl Power… rah rah rah, and all that! But the reality is, the whole ‘Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful’ thing…Well Miss Sports Illustrated, I DO! I mean, common’!!! You couldn’t have shared some of your perfect genes with the rest of us? And in Gisele Bundchen’s case, your husband from time to time too?

Oh well, c’est la vie! Until then, I’m off to Florida with my very own Tom Brady who loves me and all my lady lumps in my not-so-itsy-bitsy-yellow-ruffled-one-piece-bikini!

Cheers,

Red Whino