50 Shades of Children… Just in time for Father’s Day.


Dear Daddy…

Once upon a time,
Mommy and Daddy drank too much wine.
Lucky for us, Daddy forgot to wear protection.
And it just so happens… our conception!

Life as they knew it, was never the same.
We came. We conquered.
And Mommy and Daddy only have themselves to blame.

It’s all about us.
And what we want to do.
Feed us. Play with us.
Now clean our poo.

We want to go outside.
We want to come in.
Now back outside.
We don’t care if we’ve just been.

Pick us up.
Put us down.
Now change us again.
We’re smelling kinda brown.

Put on our shoes, our hats, our mitts.
No, wait… we’ll do it ourselves.
No you. No me.
Zero cooperation… we’ll never agree.

We’ll kick. We’ll scream.
Then drop to the floor.
We’ll fight you off.
Until you can’t take it anymore.

We’ll tell you we love you.
And how great you are.
To make you feel guilty,
Should your frustrations go too far.

We’re hungry.
We’re tired.
No wait,
We’re wired.

We’re happy.
We’re sad.
We’re laughing.
We’re mad.

We’re up. We’re down.
We’re hot. We’re cold.
We have no fucks to give.
We won’t do as we’re told.

We’ll scream. Then smile.
We’ll sit still, but only for a little while.
You’re on our time now.
And peace of mind, we do not allow.

Read us a story.
Put us to bed.
Just kidding…
We’re messing with your head.

Ok. Fine. We’ll go to sleep
But just remember, you have no power.
So don’t bother relaxing.
Cause we’ll be up in another hour.

Our  gift to you this Father’s Day,
Is quality time… with only you.
So you can truly see what Mommy goes through.

By the end of the day,
You’ll wish you’d worn protection.
Or drank enough wine,
To lose that erection.

But then you wouldn’t have us.
Good times and bad.
Tantrums and meltdowns.
You like having us around.

So for an entire day… just father and kids.
We’ll make a great team.
‘Cause believe it or not,
You’re livin’ the dream.

Our gift to you
Is just us for the day.
Quality time
Until you are defeated and grey.

We’ll laugh. We’ll cry.
We’ll poo. We’ll play.
No Mommy around.
Really making it Mother’s Day!

(You’re welcome, Mommy!)


Your Little Loving Beastly Children

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