You were due today! But all I have are my thoughts of you.
This picture is the last one I took before I was told you were gone. You left me at 14+ weeks. You may have stopped physically growing… but you have continued to grow emotionally inside of me, ever since.
No one talks about you anymore with me. No one asks. It’s not so much that they’ve forgotten about you, it’s just that they’ve moved on. And that’s ok. I have too, yet not at all.
It’s funny in a not so funny kinda way… I never knew you, yet I still think about you all the time, every day. Because I housed you under my heart for long enough to have felt your presence, and your loss. Greatly.
I find it especially hard lately, as you would have been making your grand debut. With the loss of a loved one who lived and breathed, we try to focus on the positive memories they leave behind. That’s the tricky thing about a miscarriage… one mourns for a life never lived. There was never a chance to make memories, so one might think it would be easy to simply “get over”. Not so much.
It’s a complicated heartache. Because you WERE. You were you. And you were mine… body and soul. And still yet, here you are… all these months later. Still with me in my daily thoughts. Still able to make my heart ache. Still able to fill me with rage at the unfairness of it.
I was going to light a candle today with the old adage “the light would guide you home”. But really, the only home you ever knew was right under my heart. When you lived inside of me, you brought me so much joy. So instead, I decided to pour myself a glass of champagne to commemorate the day. I decided to celebrate you.
“You”… You, who will always be remembered as My Lucky #4. If only…
Click here for original “Talk About Lucky” post when I publicly shared at time of miscarriage…
Just to tell you that many people have not forgotten your pain and expect you to go on with your life. Often, we don’t know how to talk about what happened and what it meant to you. I’m glad you wrote again on the anniversary of what would have been the birth of #4. We grieve with you and should express those feelings to you. Love, N.